I still have some stuff to learn.

Wow, this year I will be thirty-seven years old. That’s not a very exciting number. It doesn’t even sound fun, doesn’t have any sort of ring to it. It just kind of falls flat on the ears doesn’t it? Thirty-seven. Now, thirty-five, thirty-eight, forty, even fifty sound like there could be some major milestones with those birthdays, but not thirty-seven. Thirtyseven just sounds to me like a hump year, it’s the year that says, “Yes, you are officially  in your mid-life, you are no longer considered  young and you’re not yet catagorized as old.”  It makes me feel like getting a bad perm, buying some mom jeans, and snacking on pretzel sticks; the big, long, untasty ones that are low fat. But I digress…is that possible when I haven’t even gotten to the point?

I feel old. I feel like I should be exactly where God wants me by now. I mean, I’ve had thirty-seven years to get a grip on things. I have this unrealistic expectation of myself. Today, I am thirty-six, I have a lot of things yet to learn, I am not fully grown in the physical or the spiritual sense, and I am expectant about the “stuff” God has yet to teach me.

I am anxious though. I want it all, now. I want the heart and soul of a 99 year old woman. Unfortunately, that is the key to learning and growing, you have to put in the time. If I went and spent some time at a nursing home maybe I could gain some insight. What is wrong with this country anyway? We are so stinking hung up on youth. We don’t rally around our elders anymore, they just kind of fade into the barcalounger in the corner of some old dusty nursing home. I know, I’ve worked in one. Something tells me were missing out on some amazing wisdom. Right now, I wish I lived closer to my Grandmother.

Here it is, the point of this blog post; Psalms 139. This passage begins with lots of talk about how intimately God knows us, each of us, individually.

LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away.

You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am.

You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD.

You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!

I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence!

I was moved by the fact that He knows me so well. It’s hard to believe though, isn’t it, that the God of  the expanse and all that we know, examines us, charts our path, moment to moment? It’s hard for me. What’s really hard for me is that if it’s true, Him being so consumed with us, so concerned with our lives and our choices, He must feel pretty let down at the end of the day. I know that we as humans have made an art of crappy decision making. Or can God ever feel, “let-down” by “us.”  Maybe our race is so extremely flesh and blood, so imperfect, so human,  that God delights Himself in the little things. Like when we acknowledge Him in the day to day, when we pray and give thanks for our meals, when we seek to love others.

So at thirty-six I realize that I have a lot more “stuff” to do. I can learn and grow until the day I die, but for today, I will rest in His utter beauty. Knowing that the Father is enamored with me is enough to floor me for the the next few years. I am going to take this passage on faith, I will believe it, I chose to believe it. And that warm feeling that fills my soul as I read is evidence that He is there. Not to mentioned the countless other times He has made himself so real to me. Today. I won’t get hung up on the “stuff.”


About rolanda

Forty-something, married to a great guy with a stellar beard, we have 3 children, 2 granny babies and super cool son-in-law. I home school my kids because I love to be around them, I hope they turn out ok. I am a pediatric nurse and I live near the Kansas City area. I like vintage things. I love people, coffee and Jesus and I also love to write.
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2 Responses to I still have some stuff to learn.

  1. Karen says:

    That was beautiful and very well put. I needed to read that scripture again. I love the part about him knowing the path and knowing when I need to stop and rest.

    Thanks for sharing!


  2. ro says:

    Thanks Karen. I appreciate the feedback. What a journey we are on…



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