Leaving the Edges Wild

 

Lately I’ve been too tired to blog. But alas, life is in full force around here and I want to make time, because it’s cathartic for me.

I cut back on hours at the hospital…again. It seems I’ve done this weekend option routine on three different occasions in the past 7 years. I get fed up after about two years and take a year off, I really miss my family on the weekends, the full-time pay is hard to beat though. I call it the golden handcuffs. Like I mentioned before, I get tired, and I’ve decided I’m done. The worst and only negative thing about it is that I had some pretty amazing co-workers, and I will really, really miss working with them every weekend. These were some of the best nurses, docs, and techs I’ve ever worked with, not just because they were sharp, but they are really genuine people.

It just so happens that I have some really great people of my own here at home that need me more than ever now that we’ve decided to home school.

I have a work from home gig that I am doing here and there, keeping my job at Children’s on an as needed basis, which equates to about one shift per week, and schooling the kids to keep me BUSY. I have resumed the early morning exercise routine which is so necessary for me to live healthily. I love my mornings after the gym when things are quiet. I especially love the weather now, I can sit outside on the deck, drink my coconut oil coffee, read my bible, socialize with the creator of the universe(best friend) and listen to the birds begin their day. I mentally prepare for what lies ahead, my day of attempted teaching.

I really hope that I am not the only one who feels so ill-equipped to teach my children.

This has been an area that I am struggling with, but I won’t give up on letting go, of control. I am so worried about what I am doing, if they are getting enough, record keeping, tracking hours, grades, standardized testing, common core, high school, college, kinetic learning, maps, graphs, reading, history, gah…so worried in fact, that I have not been consistently exercising my faith in God.

You see, I know he brought me here, I know he led me to this place, and now that I am here, I need to rest awhile and trust him.

He didn’t bring me this far to let me fall.

I read an article tonight about my favorite band, Over the Rhine, in one of my absolute favorite publications, Relevant Magazine. The author mentioned Karen’s tattoo,  a hummingbird with the phrase, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” They spoke of their new farm and how a family member told them to “leave the edges wild, so the birds could have their secret hidden places for their untamed music.”

Exhale…

The article really spoke to me. As a homeschooling mom know that comparing oneself to others is nothing less than caustic. I’ve done this for almost 4 weeks and I can taste that bitter, sour, self-inflicted junk as if I was chewing on it now. I want no part of it, I want to celebrate my friends on this journey, I want to share in their strengths and struggles, I want to be all that God has called ME to be, one step at a time.

For now, we’re leaving the edges wild. I want the birds to sing their untamed song. I want to enjoy this new place we are in, we will work and reinforce and keep things tidy, but I am ok with a little wild, in fact, I welcome it, and I pray we can see it as the blessing God intends for us.

Goodnight dear friends.

 

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About rolanda

Forty-something, married to a great guy with a stellar beard, we have 3 children, 2 granny babies and super cool son-in-law. I home school my kids because I love to be around them, I hope they turn out ok. I am a pediatric nurse and I live near the Kansas City area. I like vintage things. I love people, coffee and Jesus and I also love to write.
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