There’s this weird place between 5:10-5:15 every morning that I wrestle with. It’s an emotional beat down of the inner me, and I’m not sure how many “mees” are in there, but for five minutes, its brutal. The strong, healthy me won this morning and I wish I was a filmmaker because now all I want you to hear is the music.

See, I sort of transport from the decisive me, the 5:15 up and at em’ me, to 5:50. At 5:50 the music is loud, the music is good. It is in that moment, at 5:50, that I relax in whatever sweaty predicament I am in, knowing there is no turning over, turning back, or turning off, I’m all in.

I love exercise almost as much as I love food. Actually I think I am in another strange place where the two relationships are beginning to switch places. I believe I am actually starting to love exercise more than food and that’s when I will break this plateau.

Things I want to do in this life:

one- I want to hold on to the moments that count, I want to live for those moments, forget the rest. This means grocery shopping is going to become redundant unless I really get dramatic about it, which I can probably do.

two- I want to go on a mission trip, I do not care if it’s in my town or abroad, I want to live in a place where people are doing something amazing for their fellow human beings. I want to immerse myself and my children and/or husband should he so desire, into this type of community.

three- I want to lose 40-60 lbs. Pretty deep, I know. I’d like to know what it feels like to be in complete control of my body and feel good about the skin I’m in. I feel good now, but I’d like to experience that. If I die before it happens I know there was a lesson in it for me and I’m ok with that.

four- I want to live to see the benefits of homeschooling. I am hopeful that there are benefits and I am really looking forward to reflecting after this first year.

About homeschooling. I have found myself feeling defeated on this journey. I may have ever so slightly built up this kumbaya sort of homeschooling existence that hasn’t really happened yet. I don’t believe I knew what I was getting myself into and the amount of work it would take to replace the solid educators that were in my children’s life before. I find myself gazing longing at the school in our neighborhood as I drive by. I have had to mourn a little for my kids, knowing they were going to miss out on a lot.

Keeping with that same thought, I’ve also been able to celebrate the opportunities they will have that some of their friends won’t. They get a lot more family time, that’s pretty huge.
They get more time for music instruction, guitar and piano that we wouldn’t have had otherwise.
They get to play basketball and do gymnastics, again, we wouldn’t have had the time.
We aren’t tied down to a school district calendar, we can come and go as we please but have yet to master school on the road.
They can study at their own pace. I’ve bought curriculum that fits them at differing levels.

I know there are more pros to this situation. I want to say, “to this sich,” but not sure you’d understand what I mean.
There are more pros to this sich that meets the eye, of that I am well aware. It’s hard to be patient and wait for the fruits to gently come forth from the tree of motherhood/crazy depending on who you are. I have friends that without a doubt call me both. I have the type of personality that wants to plant the tree and then have to shield myself from the voluptuous fruits flinging themselves from the tree in a rain of immediate gratification the very next day.

Maybe I felt the urging to home school from our Great Spirit, God in Heaven, our creator, not only to help my children…
but to do something amazing in my heart as well.

Wouldn’t that be surprising.


About rolanda

Forty-something, married to a great guy with a stellar beard, we have 3 children, 2 granny babies and super cool son-in-law. I home school my kids because I love to be around them, I hope they turn out ok. I am a pediatric nurse and I live near the Kansas City area. I like vintage things. I love people, coffee and Jesus and I also love to write.
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2 Responses to Kumbaya

  1. christinamackie says:

    Love how u are writing this journey out. Yes, I agree He’s leading me up this mtn to teach me His ways (not just the lil monkeys stringing along behind on the trail!)


  2. rolanda says:

    Thank you friend. My main goal is to be somewhat consistent, lol, somewhat consistent sounds like there might be trouble:) It really helps me process how I feel:) Thanks for the comment!



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