I’m sort of sad and grumpy, to use a term that my now 9-year-old daughter used at the age of 2. We don’t let her forget it. Back to me, because I am not self-centered or anything.
What makes a self-centered person anyway? I know there are several answers to that, and I know that I fight this in my life. I feel like pride, self-centeredness, and depression can in many ways be linked together. I am feeling sorry for myself but am glad I recognize it for what it is. I am hoping one of my stronger personalities takes over and tells sad and grumpy to get a grip.
Here’s my current mindfunk. I’ve lost about lbs. Yay…right? Wrong. I am not celebrating my success, I’ve lost that weight and kept it off for a few years. I find myself stuck on the plateau of plateaus, I need to lose 50 more. So I am wallowing and I made myself sick last night at our workplace Super Bowl food extravaganza. I made myself drink a gallon of water and eat half a raw cucumber in addition to the Super Bowl fare. No Bueno my friends.
Poor me, maybe I should just go off and self-medicate with more food and comfort my sad sack of a self with more carbohydrates and sugar. Yes, that will make me feel better, then in a few weeks, when I finally get up the courage to weigh, will be super excited by the 20 lb. weight gain. Insert sarcastic sad clown face here.
For the life of me I don’t understand this issue. Why are we plagued with these vices? It’s a sad thing really, how we get attached to certain poor behaviors and they seem to control us.
Ok, enough is enough. Here are my options:
Kick myself in the arse and get out of the proverbial self-built port-a-potty
Kick myself in the arse and get out of the proverbial self-built port-a-potty.
Hmmmm, I wonder which I shall choose? I think I’ll go with the kick in arse.
A kick in the rear doesn’t always have to be rude, especially when self-administered. Here is what mine looks like tonight.
Drink lots of water, eat protein, cleanse.
Go to the gym.
Try not to yell at your kids and transfer your own self-loathing.
Pray, read Gods word.
Forgive yourself, you’re not perfect.
Thank God for the afflictions that make you think more deeply.
Thank God for the afflictions that most burden you, they bring you closer to Him.
Tell God that He can have your dreams, because they were His to begin with and trust that all will come or not come in His time.
Don’t forget to go to the gym, a good sweat can help cure a mindfunk so much better than a little Debbie or sugar and carb laden pastry-ish in a cellophane package.
While sitting in the sauna tonight I was letting my mind wander, it went to the 23rd Psalms. I remember memorizing it in the 5th grade and earning a nice wooden placard that displayed it. Here is how it went down in my mind tonight, over and over like a DJ playing a record and scratching to a beat making the 23rd Psalms sound entirely different from I’ve ever heard it before…
Yea though I walk,
Yea though I walk,
Yea though I walk,
Yeah though I walk through the valley, va, va, valley, the valley of the,
valley of the, valley of the,
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, shadow of death, sha, sha, shadow of death
I will fear, I will fear, I will fear,
fear no evil, fear no evil.
For though art with me, with me, with me.
For though art with me.
That brings me to another thought. I have these things, like anxiety for which I like to self medicate with wine or ding dongs depending on who is awake in my house and I recognize that neither is really great for me, as a person, wine and/or ding dongs, because the AND has definitely happened and that’s never a good thing. But as a person they aren’t super good for me physically or spiritually, I mean there is no redeeming value in a ding-dong unless you are living in a post apocalyptic world with one mission from God and you are dying of starvation just before you get that mission accomplished and you crawl upon an overlooked box under an abandoned grocery store shelf or something. In the event of almost sure death by starvation in a post apocalyptic world where you are supposed to fulfill a mission from God then yes, a ding-dong would be like manna from heaven, but not this Monday, not today. And wine, as delicious as it is, thick and red, full of warm aroma and thick with friendship as it goes down, well lets just say anyone who describes wine the way I just did should probably lean towards the less is more idea. Again with the sarcastic sad clown guy face.
This is getting long. On my way home from the gym I heard Ravi Zacharias speaking about the above. He wasn’t exactly talking about addiction, but he made an interesting point. He said, and I am paraphrasing in every sense of the word here, that he wanted to stay far away from certain pleasures so that it wouldn’t be so hard to say no to them later in life. How that resonated with me tonight. Drinking wine and eating ding dongs aren’t inherently evil, but the pull they have on my heart from time to time leaves me wishing I had heard and heeded his counsel so many years ago. It makes me want to tell my children that the less they have to fill them in this world now, the less it will take later to keep them happy.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you, but I am feeling so much more at peace tonight. I give to God my desires and know that in the scheme of things, there’s a lesson here, there’s something good that will come from my junk food unfulfilled vices, from my wine glass being empty, and my heart seeking out more and more of the only one who can really fill my heart. Jesus.