Weird day, filled with lots of anxiety. Couldn’t sleep last night, laid there filled with a weird uncertainty that I can’t put my finger on, I hate that feeling.
I was talking with a friend today about biting my nails, which I am doing a lot more of in the past few days. We talked about feeling bitterness and regret and what it looks like to let go. It’s funny, I hear so many women, including myself, say, I am sooooo this, or soooo that, and I always do this and I wish I would just get a clue. It’s like we’re trying to reprimand ourselves into the life we always wanted, shaming ourselves into being good women, great people, amazing mothers, successful entrepreneurs, adorable wives, best friends. I don’t think this is the way to get there.
Positive self talk, yes, it’s not only a thing, it’s crucial to our survival as women, as mothers, as human beings. This world throws enough shame at us, we don’t need to help. We’re told that we aren’t fun enough, bright enough, witty enough, pretty enough, fit enough, every women enough. I’m so over half-way being every woman, thanks Oprah but that message, bah. Seriously, can we just get a break? I journaled the other night about over achieving, and how I am ready to get the hell off the struggle bus. Where did I pick up the idea that if I wasn’t over achieving, I wasn’t achieving at all? I want to achieve the moment, no matter how grandiose or how miniscule that moment is. I just want to BE, and slow down this roller coaster called life.
This message of being a super women is everywhere, media, entertainment, even in the Christian community there’s a subtle message that if you’re not running an orphanage in Mozambique or spending summers in Sierra Leone that you’re just not Jesus’ biggest helper…yet, don’t give up though, you’ll get there, with the help of this 24 week intensive bible study and fasting program. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re going to those places I applaud you, I’m just saying, there’s a lot of women out there that are having a hard enough time getting out of bed and the kids to school. Some of us are working full-time and trying to manage a large family, sports, and other commitments. We home school, we have babies, we go to school, and some have their grandchildren at home because their parents, our children, have not only dropped the ball, they’ve lost it altogether. These examples are just the tip of the iceberg, and it’s melting, we are melting.
I’m done. And those words come out of my eyes and onto my keyboard. Let’s just get good at loving ourselves and our families. It doesn’t matter how many sports your kids play or what kind of freaking purse you carry. The cars we drive, the hair we wear, none of that matters. I feel like we are swept away in superficial and no one wants to be there but no one will get out of the boat and swim for shore. We just sit there, admiring one another’s shoes while we slowly die inside.
Achieve the moment, and let the moments be thin. There is a path out there, and it’s level, we must stop feeling around in the darkness for solid ground, gripping and toiling for the next amazing thing. God wants you to run. The path you see ahead may not look like much, but it has so much more in store for you if you’ll just try it.
Today I made dinner for my family and I started a load of laundry, I made the bed real pretty, and checked out a, how to write poetry book at the library. And here is a picture of one of my felines, she doesn’t like me too much, but who cares.
Today was a good day.