Thursday Fears

Thursday fears are just like any others, they come in through the side entrance of your mind and cast doubt on everything . They make people ugly, they remind you of the past, they stop you from being productive . Thursday fears are the worst and the best fears of all.

My daughter asked me today, “Why are so many songs about love?” I told her that love is a deep emotion, that artists like to communicate about things that make them feel, deeply. I think she accepted that answer and went back to drawing the continent of Africa pretty quickly. Love and fear go together like joy and pain, feeling one helps you understand the other, helps you respect the other. When we love deeply we fear losing that love, and when we fear we are most in need of love.

I often wonder to myself about life, and I secretly fear dreadful things. Why are we so closed, so afraid to feel, so afraid of the healing journey that pain can take us on? I feel so amazingly blessed right now, I can’t get over the beauty of life, especially as it is right now, but there are always those fears that try and creep in without being asked, they try to make themselves at home in our hearts. 

Children grow so fast, and I revel in the looks of them, this very moment. I took a picture of them today, my daughter said, “Why are you taking a picture mom?” I said, “Because I want to remember this moment.” Some days, just being alive takes my breath away. Today this room is a bit cluttered and needs vacuuming, I have laundry begging not to be put through yet another fluff and tumble, and my to do list is long, but I’m ok with all of that because I’m not letting Thursday fears sideline the main thing. 

The main thing is to love each day as if it were our last, to love fully, to allow all the feels. If the worst fears visited me, if they were brought to life I would surely be broken, for a time. I chose not to fear today because I have experienced pretty significant pain in life, and from that pain I have grown. None of us are immune to the ebb and flow of life, pain will come, fears to fruition, it’s what we do with the pain that matters. We cannot fear, for love is near, and grace will cover all. 

Thursday fears fall flat when I open my heart to the small moments and his beauty shines like a light in the harbor. Come rest in him, it’s safe here.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 1 John 4:18a



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Dream Revival

Goals, goals and more goals. I am riddled with goals. I guess this isn’t the worst problem to have, unless you are married to someone like me. I am sure my husband gets a little put out by all of my goals that I want to include him in. He seems to be a pretty good sport though. He is a good filter with which to pour my ideas through, and I think he’s learned through the years that if he just let’s me air them, and let’s my words hang in air without rebuttals or rebuke, many of them dissipate into the chasms of my  imagination never to return. It’s when he finds immediate issue with my ideas that it becomes more an insatiable desire for me to help him understand why this is the best idea I’ve ever had and how it will lend itself to our eventual fulfillment in life. On the other hand, I keep things spicy, I think he likes that part of it.

Homeschooling and work limit a lot of my goals but I would like to try to find a way to assign them some level of importance and pick them off one at a time over the next year. Here are a few ideas that I can’t shake right now:

  1. Audition for commercial and print, basically get an agent. At the very least it means send in a headshot, resume and video demo. This won’t really be hard to do and if I can get my foot in the door at least I’ve tried.
  2. Sign up for a run or a triathlon this summer.
  3. Lose 60 lbs, give or take, I just want to be comfortable and to trust God for my every need, including food.
  4. Research and complete 10 podcasts. I am just throwing that number out there. I am not 100% sure what the podcast would be about but obviously would include some talk about homeschooling, life, motherhood, Christianity, fashion, vintage things, exercise, healthy living, food, midwestern KC stuff. Basically things I like.
  5. Keep up with this blog. I would like to post at least once a week, I have to make this a priority. I’ve wrestled with changing my blog name but for now I am staying put.

Goals are good, they keep us moving forward, they keep our minds fresh and our imaginations reeling. There are some seasons of life when our goals are just to make it through the day, and that’s ok. I think it’s important in those seasons to keep a running list of things we are grateful for and press into them. If we persevere we will make it to the other side, the path beyond, and we will find ourselves recharged and aware of just how much we are capable of.

If God is the author of life then I believe he is the creator of all my heart longs for. He deposits those desires into our hearts and watches for the sprouts of life to bloom. Our deepest desires and ideas form who we our at our core, these things make us unique and at full bloom can be used to glorify him. It’s an awesome concept to think about how the creator of the world designed us with innate abilities and potential for greatness. I believe that He wants us to reach out to him, when we are at a loss and feeling overwhelmed, when there is no desire to fulfill dreams or even to ponder them. It is in those times that he wants to work the soil, repair the heart, water the roots, trim the suckers. We are his fruit, we are his crop, and he takes pride in us, but we have to ask. This is His gift to us, free will.

What dreams have abandon? Can you find a way to rekindle those longings of yesterday and how you might set a course to accomplish a few?  Find a small notebook, any one will do. Write down three things you would like to do this year, they don’t have to be huge things, just three small ideas that would ignite your heart. Three ideas, and then list the ways you might accomplish them over the next year. Pray that God will show you how accomplishing these goals will glorify him and renew your faith. It’s ok to dream big, but sometimes, just uncovering old goals lost along the path are enough to reinvigorate your passions.

I believe in you, but more importantly, God believes in you.

Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4  



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